Repetition is great--if you're learning Spanish, grooving your backhand, or making sure the sutures don't rupture. But it's death for your sex life, turning the pursuit of happiness into a holding pattern. Over Newark.
Well, enough of t
hat stuff. It's time to accelerate your pulse with some good, clean, original sex. It doesn't mean risking arrest in a public garden--although it could--but it does mean injecting surprise into the proceedings. Yes, surprise--even if you think you know her body better than the quickest route to the local 7-Eleven.
We have 32 ideas to launch a voyage of sexual discovery unlike anything you've seen . . . at least since Cindy Lou let down her guard senior year. The difference now: You know what you're doing, and you have a partner who deserves your respect, attention, and devotion. So make the most of it. Now, repeat after us, "I will . . . "
1. START THE ACTION ANYWHERE EXCEPT THE BEDROOM.The same old place is too conducive to the same old patterns, says Stella Resnick, Ph.D., a psychologist in West Hollywood and author of The Pleasure Zone. Explore some new erogenous areas: The kitchen. The bathroom. Quebec City. Your bodies will be in new places, making it unlikely that you'll follow old routines.
2. COMPLIMENT HER.And keep doing it . . . at least five times a day. It'll make her feel noticed, special, and appreciated, and she'll feel closer to you. "The more connected she feels, the more sexually inspired she'll feel," says Laura Berman, Ph.D., director of the Berman Center in Chicago. Compliment what she feels good about and cares about--her hair, shoes, singing voice, work triumphs--says Gloria Brame, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the author of Come Hither: A Commonsense Guide to Kinky Sex. A confident sex partner is an adventurous sex partner.
3. GO CANOEING OR HIKING.Add a distinct but manageable touch of danger to the day. It will stimulate dopamine in her brain, which may trigger her sex drive, says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., an anthropologist at Rutgers University and the author of Why We Love. Pick the right trip--a guided whitewater excursion, for instance--and learn all about both the risks and the precautions you'll take. She'll see you as the cause of the excitement, as well as the source of security. Book the right B&B for the afternoon dry-off and you're set.
4. WATCH PORN WITH THE SOUND OFF . . .Sure, you'll miss the snappy plumber-housewife banter. But now you two provide the dialogue. You'll learn how to talk erotically, so it's educational. But it's also fun, you're both invested in it, and it can help reveal fantasies, says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a sex therapist and the author of Love around the House. And you'll probably find some way to kill time during the sex scenes.
5. . . . OR SEE A CHICK FLICK.Maybe porn isn't her thing. But Pitt, Clooney, or McConaughey might be, and for her, these guys are porn, Brame says. She'll be fantasizing about a man who's swee
t and will treat her well. And when he kisses the flirty female lead, you kiss your lady at the same time. Show her that reality--her life--can be better than that.
6. FEED HER BLACK LICORICE.Bring it along when you're watching the Clooney flick. Black licorice has been shown to speed up her genital bloodflow by 40 percent, Cadell says.
7. CRAFT FANTASIES.Some Saturday afternoon when you're feeling frisky, pour wine and divide 10 3x5 cards between you and your mate. Each of you writes down five sexual fantasies while the wine loosens your inhibitions. Then head out to a restaurant, where you can get a booth and some privacy in a public setting. Over dinner and more wine, pull out the cards and discuss. You'll feel filthy discussing this stuff in hushed voices in a public place, which is exactly the point. Your goal: Make three piles--"yes," "maybe someday," and "not on your life." Put the possibles in a shoe box, and once a month (she feels sexiest before she ovulates), pull a winner. Any necessary planning--you can't go with just any football player/cheer- leader outfits--heightens the anticipation, Cadell says.
8. EXPLORE NEW REGIONS.You've heard about her nipples and vagina? Good. Now spend some time on the back of her neck. It's a brave new world of nerve endings, so gentle caressing and kissing are all that's needed. The base of her spine is sensation central, as well. Or gently stroke and kiss her belly just above the pubic hairline. Sex becomes about discovery, not seeking some destination. "Goal-oriented sex is not that sexy," Brame says.
9. TAKE AN OVERNIGHT TRAIN.There are stimulators all around, from the dining car to the passing landscape, to trying to walk and balance a gin-and-tonic in the aisle. And there's also your sleeping compartment, your own special sex-womb-with-a-view. It's a new place, and it moves, which adds a new dynamic. And it's somewhat public; there'll be new excitement when you're in flagrante delicto and the train stops, and people are outside your window.
10. SPEND A NIGHT IN TIBET.Try the Yab-Yum position, which is how they talk dirty in Asia. You both sit up, and she faces you, sitting on your lap with a pillow under her bottom, for easier penetration. You'll have constant contact with her clitoris, but she'll control the pressure. Move slowly. "The emotional connection makes it intense," says Lou Paget, a sex educator in Los Angeles and the author of The Great Lover Playbook.
11. INVITE HER TO DITCH HER UNDERWEAR DURING DINNER.The naked secret you now share will linger through dessert, says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a sociology professor at the University of Washington and the author of The Great Sex Weekend.
12. TALK IN PUBLIC.Lie on a blanket in a park, with people all around, and whisper your fantasies to one another, sparing no detail. You'll create sexual tension, but there's safety because there's no possibility of sex then and there. "It's just plain sexy to start something that can't be finished right then," Fisher says. When you return home later, spread out the blanket on the floor--a different location--and release the tension.
13. TAKE HER TO AN ETHNIC RESTAURANT IN A NEW PART OF TOWN.Dopamine is an ideal sex lubricant, and in any new experience, the jets are on. When walking in unfamiliar territory, put your arm around her. There's the thrill of the unknown, but you're guiding her through it--a potent mix. "It might make her want to have sex with you," Fisher says.
14. VISIT THE EROTICA SECTION OF THE BOOKSTORE.That in itself will fuel your imaginations. Make some purchases, then read them to each other. You'll discover new interests that, amazingly, never came up when you were buying garden supplies. Feel free to enact a scene. Check out Heat Wave: Sizzling Sex Stories, by Alison Tyler; Five Minute Erotica, by Carol Queen; and the Black Lace Series, by Kerri Sharp.
15. USE FRAGRANCE FOR FOREPLAY.Spray a touch of the cologne she loves on the sheets. A study by Indiana University found that women who fantasized while smelling a popular men's cologne were more aroused than when smelling women's cologne or a neutral odor. If you don't have a scent, shop for one with her. That's foreplay, too.
16. LEAVE HOME.Plan a trip without the kids, because Mom and Dad must also be husband and wife. (Lastminute.com and site59.com specialize in packaged getaways.) Take lots of pictures; in a few months, go through them with her, slowly, and recall all the great stuff that happened--the sights, the food, the long mornings in bed. The feeling will come hurtling back, Schwartz says--without airfare this time.
17. THROW THE TV OUT OF THE BEDROOM.It sucks up time, makes you zone out, and takes focus away from what the room is for, Wiley says.
18. CLIMB TO ONE PEAK AT A TIME.Some couples feel pressure to reach orgasm at the same moment. But that's like coordinating Patriots and Red Sox championships in the same year: nice when it happens, but improbable. So on a night when you're both primed to try something different, resolve to go for one orgasm at a time, without intercourse. As a gentleman, you'll insist that she go first, naturally. It will take some practice--and lots of moaned instructions--to get the manual stimulation or oral timing just right. Which can only be good. Focusing on her solo pleasure will teach you useful lessons to employ the next time you strive for the Lombardi trophy together.
19. EXPERIENCE THE CUBAN PLUNGE."?Queín es eso?" you ask, in junior-high-school Spanish. It's sex with a three-chili rating. Here's how you do it: As you assume the man-on-top position, ask her to bring her knees to her chest and drape her legs over your shoulders. Her vagina will be elongated and extended, and your penetration will be deeper and more pleasurable for her, which qualifies as a win-win situation. "You can feel intense friction against her genital area with each thrust," says Diana Wiley, Ph.D., a therapist at UCLA's female sexual medicine center.
20. KISS FOR 12 SECONDS.As a relationship ages, pecks on the cheek become the default, and they're about as erotic as a pair of baggy sweatpants. A long, lingering smooch reintroduces you to each other. Give her two a day: one in the morning before one of you leaves, and one as soon as you're both home. Mouths open. Arms around each other. "If you kiss like that for the rest of your lives, passion will never fade," Cadell says.
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